Mooslims? (WARNING: Satire Ahead)

Posted in Fun & Games on October 30, 2001

The following was posted recently by Mensan Kevin Bryson on Mensa’s Intellectual Chat email list (a list for Mensans to discuss intellectual topics; to join, write to majordomo@lists.us.mensa.org with the one-line message: subscribe intellectual-chat). It’s really a series of three posts, which received quite a response on the email list over a three-day period… not all of the list’s members recognized the satire.


Post #1: Oct. 1, 2001 8:49:22 P.M.

“Most people on this list have never seen a Mooslim in person. You’ve seen them on the news, blowing up buildings, and in movies, stealing babies and killing Christians. I’ve seen a few of these so-called “people,” up close when I’ve visited the Holy Land. You don’t want to get too close, because they don’t use deodorant and they sweat. It’s not pleasant. They smell as bad as Injuns. And they’re just plain mean to everyone…”

“Now, I don’t want to talk about the Mooslim people today. What I do want to talk about today is what the Mooslim people believe. Their jaded history, their false idol “Allah” and his son, Moohummad, and their Hell-wrought quest for vengeance against the true God who rightfully cut them out of their eternal inheritance. Everyone knows the story of Abram. If you don’t, then read Genesis chapters 12-22. God promised Abram his own country. The only problem was that Abram didn’t have a son. He might not have cared about it much, but his wife, Sa’rai, knew that by God’s law, her husband’s earthly possessions would go to the head servant if there weren’t no kids around. She got worried and forgot God’s promise to her husband, and in a fit of desperation, she offered up her Egyptian servant, Hagar to, Abram. Hagar got jealous of Sa’rai after having sexual relations with Abram, as women are wont to do. Sa’rai saw this, and with Abram’s blessing, she kicked the harlot out of the house. Turns out Hagar had a son. It is this son, and all of his descendants that are causing most of the problems in the world today. His name was Ishmael, and he was the first towel-head, or to use a politically correct term, A-rab. God told Hagar in Genesis 16:10-12, “And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man’s hand against him.” Ishmael was to father powerful nations, but none of his descendants would be allowed to go to Heaven after they died. They were born bad. The real treat came when Abram was 90-years old and he circumcised himself with a sharp stone. That made his penis pure enough to get through to Sa’rai and produce a real son named Isaac. God told him he was to cut at the penises of every descendant born through Sa’rai if he wanted his family to be blessed on Earth and go to Heaven after they died. It would still have been mandatory for all of us today to cut off our penises if Paul didn’t come along and tell us it was just an option. I suggest you do so, if you haven’t already. It adds a nice Old Testament touch, and your penis will look just like Jesus’ penis.


Let’s jump forward a few thousand years. The descendants of Ishmael are running around in the desert worshipping all kinds of gods. Satan saw that a large portion of them were worshipping the moon-god. Some were even worshipping the daughters of the moon-god, Al-lat, Al-uzza, and Manat. They were called “The Daughters of Allah.” The moon-god was called “Allah.” Old Lucifer got it into his big red head that he could unite all of these idol-worshipping towel-heads under Allah. He did this by appearing to a person that was already very upset that God wasn’t going to let him go to heaven just because he was a descendent of Ishmael. That feller’s name was Moohammad. Demons helped him write a book called, “the Ko-ran,” which is basically an instruction manual on how to kill anyone who doesn’t worship the moon. Now we have entire countries of God-hating moon-worshippers shooting everyone out of jealousy, just because God isn’t going to let them go to Heaven. Why, it’s even got so twisted up that nowadays, these Mooslims (moon worshippers) think that they are the ones going to Heaven and everyone else is going to Hell. It’s a shame that none of them can read English. If they did, they could open up the Bible and find out that God had it out for them from day one. The only way for them to avoid Hell is to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. And it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon, because the minute you start running your mouth about Jesus being the Son of God, they shoot you dead.”


Post #2: Oct. 2, 2001 11:00:46 A.M.

“I feel bad about my earlier insensitive comments about Muslims because after all, as everyone knows, I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say, ‘You helped this happen. You have removed God’s veil of protection from our great country.’ “


Sorry for any misunderstandings.”



Post #3: Oct. 2, 2001 3:24:00 P.M.

“Just for the record my last two e-mails were meant to expand the absurdity of religious hatred for Muslims to the point that even the most hardened heart could see how ridulus and pointless it all is. Given the amount of hate mail I received I at least partially succeeded.


The secound e-mail was, in most part, a quote from the good reverend Jerry Falwell to Pat Robertson on the 700 club in which good old Pat agreed with Jerry completely. You can listen to the conversation at http://www.consumptionjunction.com/crazycrap/view.asp?ID=6155. 20 years of war in Afghanistan left a country torn by warlords where Muslims were being slaughtered for their beliefs. Why do they support Osama bin Landen? Because he supported them in their time of need. The 12th son of 50 children by a Yemenis immigrant to Saudi Arabia he grew to control an apx 250 million dollar share of the richest construction company in Saudi Arabia. He used this money and expertise first to support Afghanistans in their fight against the Russians and then in Muslim causes around the world. When America stationed troops in Saudi Arabia during the build up to the gulf war he began to criticize the Saudi royal government and was eventually expelled. His hatred of America is based on what he sees as occupation of the holy land by American infidal troops. I suspect that just like Hitler he uses the rallying call of hatered to increase his own power and prestige. I don’t see him strapping a bomb on and blowing up an Israili disco. The Taliban is an extremist Islamic faction that was able to restore some much-needed stability to a chaotic country. Sadly they seek many evil reforms as well (I say evil from a western point of view, but given their horrible oppression of half their population…the women… oh well).


What does the Taliban, Osama bin Laden and Jerry Farwell, Pat Robertson and some Yahoo yelling profanity at a young Arab girl in native dress have in common? Hatred for someone else based solely on the fact that their beliefs are different from their own. Does that mean I don’t support retaliation against the Taliban and Osama? No!! No more than I would disagree with the death penalty for any murderer just because he had a hard childhood. No more than I would say let a vicious dog live that only wanted to bite and kill because that’s the way his owner raised him. No more than I would refuse to have antibiotic treatment because bacteria is life too and is just doing what comes naturally. I wish the members of the Taliban had been raised in the true spirit of Islam, but they weren’t, nor are they likely to realize the error of their ways. Islam itself has historically been much more tolerant of other religions than those other religions have been of Islam. Sadly, there will always be monsters to distort the teachings of wise men to serve their own power hungry, sick objectives, no matter what religion. After all, The Quran says: ?Fight in the cause of God against those who fight you, but do not transgress limits. God does not love transgressors.? (2.190) I would say they transgressed limits here.


So, just as I hope I would have the courage to defend an innocent Arab child against a bunch of rednecks even if it meant getting my ass kicked or even being killed. I’m willing to die, if need be, to eradicate this cancer on the earth before it spreads further, and just like cancer treatment I’m prepared to accept that some surrounding normal cells may also have to die in effective treatment. Roughly 9 Billion a year goes out in Foreign Aid from the US government, let alone American based charity organizations. I’d say we were doing our part. Osama bin Ladin’s family is worth billions, he himself is worth more than 250 million (including the money he made short selling American Airlines, United and insurance companies) that didn’t stop him from hating us. It is our involvement in world affairs and not our lack of assistance that causes many to hate us.


But let us not forget that it is intolerance of others and their beliefs that caused this in the first place, and I hope there is a special place in hell where Jerry Farwell and Osama bin Landen will have to share eternity. “